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Single Mom Diving in Cold

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So here I am…. adding my blog to the millions that are already floating around out there.  Is anyone even going to find me out here amidst the masses?  I hope so.  I know that writing has always been this elusive “thing” for me- I’ve always wanted to do it, but since I don’t have any kind of creative writing or journalism degree, I’ve always felt under-qualified.  Until now.  I’ve gone through some CRAP over the last few years and I feel like I’m coming out on the other side- and if one person can pull from my cautionary tale of finding that elusive love or fighting that never ending battle of the bulge then it’s way beyond worth putting myself out there.

A little about me… I was born and raised in Massachusetts but I’ve called southern California my address for years.  It never truly feels like home.   Not that I miss de-icing my windshields or anything- hell NO!  I’m 48- I have 3 kids that are my heart and the reason for all that I do.

Twelve years into marrying my high school sweetheart and 3 kids later, I knew that the love was gone.  The details don’t need to be splashed across a blog- but suffice it to say, people change, you don’t see that coming when you say “I do” and sometimes there are things that you just can’t live with anymore.  Is it the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do?  Yes.  Was there any other option?  No.  When your heart turns to stone, it stays a stone.

The reality of having 50/50 custody is every bit as brutal as I’d always imagined it to be.  A mom isn’t supposed to give birth to her kids and then only see them 50 percent of the time.  It’s gut wrenching, it sucks, it never gets easier.  Married people always say they envy the quiet time I have, I should enjoy it.  You can try to make yourself do that but you always end your day in a quiet that is deafening.  So I’ve spent the last almost 5 years post divorce trying to learn how to be everything to my kids in half the time.

I’ve dipped my toes into the shark infested waters of dating twice since my divorce.  I never enjoyed dating in my 20’s and fast track it to my 40’s- well, YUCK!  Couple that with not having the cute 20 something body and instead you’re offering the world your adorable 3 c-sections pooch- not pretty, people- I was always beyond modest to begin with so that can REALLY set you back.  But one has to put themselves out there at some point.  And how do you meet anyone when you work full time and have 3 kids and a million soccer carpools?  On-line dating.   How much fun did I find that?  Well, about as much fun as having bamboo shoots stuck under my fingernails.  And those are stories for when we re-meet for day 2!  So grab a cup of coffee and meet me tomorrow!

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